By Chelsea Fagan
1. The “Doesn’t Know She’s Beautiful” Girlfriend
The theory behind this girl, immortalized in the One Direction song, is that she is absolutely gorgeous (makeup and hair styling-free, of course, because she is also the epitome of ~natural beauty~) without being aware of it in the slightest. Because being aware that she is attractive, or being generally confident in her looks, is the secret ingredient to turning even the most tolerable girl into a raving harpy, the Doesn’t Know Girlfriend remains blissfully ignorant. She is the Taylor Swift of aesthetic appeal, always slack-jawed and utterly shocked at the positive attention she receives. It is for the Good Guy Boyfriend to remind her at regular intervals that she is so much more appealing than all of those other wenches who spackle on the foundation with a rusty putty knife, and it is for her to laugh naively and forget all about it.
2. The “One of the Guys” Girlfriend
This girl drinks beer, JUST LIKE A DUDE. She enjoys watching sports, JUST LIKE A DUDE. She plays video games, JUST LIKE A DUDE. Of course, because she is a woman, she remains perfectly attractive and physically feminine while carrying out said activities, as a woman who actually displays traces of deeper masculinity is gRoCe! (Umm, hello, they’re not trying to date a lesbian! #eww) She participates in these manly activities — and supports all of her boyfriend’s friends unequivocally, regardless of behavior — because she “gets it” and is down to just be “one of the guys.” Bear in mind, though, that should her interest in any of these activities be questioned, she is liable to be labeled a “gamer girl” or “geek girl” who is doing this for attention because she has nothing better to do with her time than seek the approval of greasy manchildren. If this fate befalls her, she will have brought it on herself. Shouldn’t have been such a fake bitch.
3. The “Chill As Hell” Girlfriend
This girlfriend doesn’t care if you wanna go to a strip club on a weekly basis! She doesn’t care if you don’t call her back within 48 hours! She doesn’t care if you show up when you say you’re going to! She doesn’t care if you are flirting with other women in front of her! She’s chill, man, she’s not like all of those other uptight bitches with “personal standards” or “reasonable expectations of another human being.” She’s not here to get all in your face about minor shit like meeting her family after two years or being honest with her. She’s got better things to do, such as laugh at your jokes.
4. The “Betty Crocker” Girlfriend
The ability to cook and clean and really take care of the house has been plummeting amongst females since, wow, forever. It’s really refreshing to see a girlfriend like this, one who is dedicated to providing a perfect domestic environment for her boyfriend. She is the true wifey material, not like all of those other hoes who eat ramen noodles and let forks chill in their sink, unwashed, for days at a time. She is the future mother of your well-fed children. Her ability to keep things right on the home front should be the cause for endless mockery of her peers who cannot achieve the same, as it universally falls on the woman to run a home, and any woman who cannot fulfill her destiny may as well just resign herself to a life of cats and vibrators. #duh
5. The “Lady In The Streets, Freak In The Sheets” Girlfriend
Do you want a girl who is going to acquiesce to all of your more depraved sexual demands? Do you want someone who is as discreet as she is smoking hot? Do you want her to wear nothing but demure skirt suits with classy La Perla lingerie underneath, revealing her onion-like layers of increasingly sexual femininity? Well then this is the girl for you! She is here to fulfill all of your fantasies, all while remaining perfectly silent about said sexuality when in public. She doesn’t talk to friends about her sex life, she doesn’t make blue jokes, she doesn’t have an open attitude towards the subject when in mixed company — she is a lady. She has the Madonna/Whore dichotomy down to a finely-tuned science, and she is here to charm your parents at dinner whilst giving you a zesty handy under the table.